Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for two months; he wants to get married. He has talked to his friends and his parents about this issue. I am not sure I want to get married yet. I am 18 years old. I love him and know that someday in the future he will be the one I will marry. I don't know if am being childish or if I should marry him now because I am going to marry him eventually. What are your thoughts on this?

Answer

As I understand your question, you are a teenager who, after going with a guy for two months, is thinking about making a life decision about marriage. Some people take more time than that to decide on what type of car they are going to buy. Two months is not a very long time to know someone, much less knowing enough to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Rather than thinking you are childish for wanting to wait, I think that's a sign of maturity.

One of the reasons we have such a high divorce rate in this country -- recent statistics indicate that 50% of all marriages end in divorce -- is because people do not make good choices in the beginning. Marriage at the age of 18 when you are expected to live until to you into your 80's is a long commitment. How can you be certain at 18 that you are still going to have the same tastes at age 30? Look back when you were 12, only six years ago, are likes and dislikes the same? Do you like the same music, clothes, and movies? What you and your boyfriend have in common today, may be totally different six years from now when you are 24.

The next seven years of your life will be a period of flux as you move from your teenage years into adulthood. There will be many changes in your thinking. In California you would only have gotten your driver's license two years ago; now you are already thinking about a marriage license. Perhaps you could follow your own intuition and resist the pressure from your boyfriend. If he is truly in love with you, he will wait a few years and give you both time to get to know one another.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.