Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have cheated twice on my boyfriend of four years. I have fallen in love with the other guy, but he is in a relationship. I think I love my boyfriend. He does not tell people he has a girlfriend, but when we are together just the two of us, everything seems all right. I don't know if I love him or whether I am just afraid to let him go.

Answer

The fact that you have cheated on your boyfriend and that he does not publicly acknowledge that you are his girlfriend, suggests that neither of you are committed to this relationship. It sounds more like you are convenient to one another, like a security blanket. It's nice to know that it is there. You might want to consider learning how to live on your own.

Otherwise, you are likely to find yourself in unhealthy relationships and have difficulty getting out soon enough. The best relationships are those based on friendship between two independent people. These relationships are not based on dependence or fear. Rather they are based on mutual respect, affection, commitment, communication, and love. Your current relationship seems to lack many of these attributes.

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Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.