Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have a best friend that is also a male. He is 20 years old. We have been best friends for two years now. For the past month, he has stood me up a number times and broken promises to me also. He lies to me and treats me like I mean nothing. When I ask why, he says that I am nagging him and to stop complaining. My question is, how do I get my best friend to start treating me with respect and how do I handle him when he refuses to treat me right? His friendship means the world to me and I would hate to lose him. But I am really running out of ideas of how to make this friendship work. He has met some new friends and believes that their friendship is worth more then mine. They hardly know him and he them, but we have known each other for two years. What do I do?

Answer

The term "best friend" usually implies mutuality of respect, affection, and caring. A best friend is one with whom you share common interests, receive support, understanding, and you generally end up feeling better about yourself when your are with that person than when you are not. It appears that these criteria are not being met in your relationship.

Moreover, it appears that you are more attached to this person than he is to you. Therefore, you might want to re-evaluate the relationship. It cannot be a best friend relationship when you are the only one who is valuing the relationship. Your friend seems to take you for granted, has said that he believes that the friendship of his new acquaintances is more important than his relationship with you. The questions here are: Why is it so difficult for you to accept the reality of the situation? What are you getting out of the relationship? Why would you be willing to accept so little out of the relationship? And lastly, why would you tolerate such shabby treatment? The treatment you are receiving hardly qualifies for friendship yet alone as a best friend.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.