Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and half years. We have a good relationship, but he is not ready to make a commitment. My question is if he is not ready after three years, do you think he will ever be ready? And if so, will that lucky lady be me? He has told me that he does not see himself getting married any day soon. Should I stay and hope he will change his mind or should I let go?

Answer

Your boyfriend seems to be giving you a clear message that you do not want to accept. He says that he does not see himself getting married any day soon and yet you seem to difficulty accepting what he says. You can choose to spend more time hanging around hoping that he will change his mind. However, you will have no one else to blame if your gamble does not work out the way you hope.

Contrary to conventional mythology, there is more than one person in the world who is right for each of us. I know that flies in the face of the romantic notion that we are each destined for a particular person. If you want to find someone who is right for you, you may be better off seeking someone who is also looking for marriage. You have already invested three years in this relationship; it might be time to move on. Your someone right may be just around the corner. If your boyfriend changes his mind somewhere down the road, and you are still available, you can always re-evaluate your decision.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.