Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am 22 years old and I was in a six year relationship that ended suddenly; it felt like the end of who I was. People say he is to blame for my low self-esteem. He never abused me physically or mentally, but I had always to ask for a kiss or a hug. The only time he really showed affection was when he wanted sex. I have no self esteem and would like to become the vibrant person I was before I met him. How do I start being my own person when he filled the empty holes in my life? I wasn't afraid of anything before him and now, I am afraid of everything. If you could please give me some ideas on how to start again through tapes, books or therapists that would be great.

Answer

Many people look to another person for fulfillment and a sense of purpose. They feel as though they are incomplete unless they are in a relationship. These folks do not realize the responsibility they are placing on their partner. They are asking their partner to fill in the spaces that they themselves should fill in. Their partner then has to complete his own life as well as yours. We each have a responsibility for becoming the most complete, self-fulfilled person that we can become. It is our responsibility to complete ourselves if we are to experience self-esteem.

Many, if not most, teenagers are still forming their identity at 16. Six years with the same person at that stage in your life can often interfere with the development of self-confidence. You start to see yourself as merged with the other person and lose sight of your own aspirations, desires, and direction. It is as though you have merged your identity with someone else. And when the relationship ends, there is a huge hole to be filled.

Now you have to go through what others were doing when they were 16; finding out about yourself, dating, discovering life. You must learn about your own interests, ideas, values; you must experiment, try a few things on. Just be careful about filling the emptiness with food or another relationship. There are many useful self-help books on the market. Check out the articles in Psychology and Self-help magazine. Search the book stores on-line and else where. And seek professional counseling to help you get acquainted with the inner you.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.