Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am 18 years old and I am dating a 22 year old guy. We are sexually active and my parents know. I have been pregnant once and we are continuing to have sex. I am not pressured to do this but I feel scared and wrong every time. How can I express this to my boyfriend without offending him or turning him off?

Answer

You say you are not pressured into having sex yet you are afraid to tell the guy you are dating that you would like to discontinue the sexual aspect of your relationship. This leaves me with the impression that indeed you are feeling pressured; you are afraid that he will stop dating you if you share your feelings with him. If telling him that you are not comfortable having sex with him turns him off, then you might want to question the depth of the commitment and the nature of the relationship.

Many teenage girls believe that they have to participate in sex out of fear of losing their boyfriends. They feel insecure and doubt whether a guy could be interested in them as a person. They prefer to capitulate on their personal values than run the risk of losing their boyfriend. Sex becomes the basis for the relationship for the boy and insecurity becomes the basis for the girl.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.