Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My boyfriend of 8 months has lost trust in me. I like to go out with my girlfriend about once every two weeks. I go to bars he doesn't approve of. One time I came in at 5:00 am. I sometimes drink more than I should, but for the most part I don't. I like to play pool and just hang out. He doesn't think that when you are in a long-term relationship, you need to go out so much. I don't know how to resolve the problem. Please give me some advice.

Answer

It seems that you and your boyfriend have different ideas about what constitutes a committed, monogamous, live-in relationship. While there is nothing inherently wrong with a "boys or girls night out," both parties of the relationship must agree on the ground rules. If you cannot come to an agreement, or if you do not honor the agreement, then perhaps you should think about whether you belong together. Relationships are based on agreements. Trust is built by honoring these agreements. Too often people fail to establish the ground rules for their relationship and find out too late that they do not have the same values, expectations, or beliefs. Perhaps you and your boyfriend ought to consider listing your expectations and discuss what you expect in terms of responsibilities to the relationship as well as chores around the house.

06/29/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.