Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My girlfriend complains that I don't listen to her when she is trying to talk to me about something serious. I'd like to improve. Any suggestions?

Answer

How hard it is to listen well! Can you think of anyone from your growing up years who you felt really listened to you? What conveyed that sense of attentiveness?

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Eliminate distractions. Listening never seems to work well when we have one eye on the TV or computer screen. Turn it off!

2. Face the person to whom you want to listen . Look at him/her. Nonverbals can tell you a great deal about what he/she is feeling. Pay attention not only to what he/she says but how they say it.

3. Ask an occasional question to make sure you're understanding. This also communicates that you are interested and paying attention.

4. You can also do what is known as reflection. This involves reflecting back what you are hearing the other person say. For example, let's suppose that your girlfriend is telling you about a frustrating conversation she had with a co- worker. Reflection might include saying something like "Sounds like it was a pretty frustrating conversation for you." Reflection is more than simply repeating what the other person says. It involves some thought on how he/she might be feeling.

5. Finally, give some thought to how well you listen to yourself. Can you easily identify your own feelings? Do you judge or discount yourself a lot? If we don't listen at all to ourselves, we may be hard pressed to listen to others.

2/22/99